Cultivating Friendships
This excerpt of a letter written by George Eliot struck me as so profound:
“Your words of affection in the note you sent me are very dear to my remembrance. I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.” George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) in a letter to Georgiana Burne-Jones (wife of the artist Edward Burne-Jones), 1875
People come in and out of our lives all the time. For some of them, we really do need to make more of a concentrated effort to keep them close in some way or another, especially since this modern world tends to physically separate and isolate us.
A few years ago, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she wanted to make an effort to meet up with people in person. Now we knew each other in real life. We had gone to church together and socialized when our kids were little nearly twenty years before. I adored her! She was wicked smart, opinionated, and hilarious. Frankly, I thought, she was badass. But as time would have it, we moved and contact was lost. We reconnected on Facebook at some point, and I loved just about every one of her posts. So when she made her offer, I jumped at the chance to have dinner with her.
We had a grand time catching up. And she had no idea I thought so much of her. Since then, she has become one of my most cherished friends.
All it took was saying something.
I have another friend who told me we were going to be the best of friends when we first met. I was skeptical. But you know what? She was absolutely right! (Clearly she recognized a “kindred spirit” right away, as Anne of Green Gables would call it.)
We have to get comfortable with telling people how important they are to us.
We can’t be afraid to let people be close to us, to let them see how messy our lives are. (Because, I’m here to tell you: we all have a mess of one kind or another.)
Otherwise, we may never realize how much support we actually do have. We squander the potential of closer, longer-lasting friendships. And all that matters to our collective mental health. Short term and long term.
Others like us more than we know.
Scientists call it the “liking gap”. We tend to underestimate how we come across in social situations. (So here you are all worried that you came across too chatty or too nerdy or whatnot, and you totally missed that the person you just met thought you were pretty cool.)
So make a little more space in your life for new and old acquaintances. You don’t have to have a reason to invite people over for dinner. Do potluck. Stream a movie together. Your friends would love to spend time with you and get to know you better. (Yes, even the introverts.)
Ask a friend to come over and help you clean your house because you just can’t bear to find the motivation to do it otherwise. Give yourself permission to be authentic and to allow your friends to help with the literal and existential messes in our lives.
Our lives get so busy and complicated sometimes. Don’t be embarrassed that it’s the second, even the third, time you’ve had to cancel. Stuff happens. Just set another date. No big deal. Give yourself, and others, grace.
This is just your reminder (and mine) to make time for your friendships. Actively cultivate them. Post on social media all you want, but don’t forget the personal connection of a video chat, fitting in a phone call between errands, a random text. And don’t forget the magic of a long-worded letter. We don’t even need stamps for those anymore.
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